Not So Happy New Years.

First off I just wanted to wish all y'all a Happy 2013!! & I hope that yours was better than mine....

Yesterday, my family had to put a very large part of our family to rest. With me being Cherokee, we think of our family as a "Clan" (yes this might sound funny, but those who are Indian will understand) and my uncle was the Alpha Male. No, I wasn't extremely close to my uncle, but it is never easy to put a family member to rest. Especially when you find out that after my dad's mother passed, my uncle was going to adopt him. Meaning.....he was almost my grandfather. I never met any of my grandpas, so that hit me pretty hard knowing that he could have been that in my life.

So yes, I did cry at midnight instead of going out with Derek. Which by the way....he was the guy I had been dating since september, but the night we went out for my birthday... I never heard from him again until my actual birthday, and then Christmas. So you know its really cool for someone who you really did like just drops you like you were nothing what so ever. Best. Feeling. EVER.

NOT.

I have also learned that when your guy friend starts dating a girl that you become kinda on the back burner. Um, I'm sorry that I needed you last night and you made me seem like I was such an inconvenience.... another GREAT feeling! 

UGH.

But heres to a brand new 365 days! May yours and mine be better than ever! 

May no one get you down. May it be a sassy year. & May you be the happiest you have ever been. 

Faith in His timing.

Hey yall!

So I know its been wayyyy too long since I've updated you with my life. So, lets just get too it.

Some of you might have noticed Kody (my ex) and I have become friends again. All I will say is that karma found him and got him good. I'm not going to go bad mouthing anymore and that is all I will say about the incident that had happened, which for the most part most of yall know.

Anyway, I recently met a new guy named Derek. Major sweetheart, and I'm completely obsessed with his voice. I am such a sucker for a southern drawl. But......hes several years older than me. Ok hes not THAT old....just in his late 20's and I'll be 23 next month, so really not that big of deal. So I guess we will see how things go over time.

So....Patrick. Lets be honest, I try to forget about him every now and then. I went on ONE date with him....ONE. It was beyond awkward. I just can't take him out of the friend zone. I just can't.

As lame and corny as this sounds, I listened to an S Club 7 song for the first time in YEARS and actually could relate to it. Like what in the world? And yes, I am the most pathetic person on this planet because I cried......bear with me....I'm basically putting the entire song on here...

"Everybody's got something They had to leave behind One regret from yesterday That just seems to grow with time There's no use looking back, or wondering How it could be now or might've been All this I know But still I can't find ways to let you go" "Even though I pretend that I've moved on You'll always be my baby I never found the words to say You're the one I think about each day And I know no matter where life takes me to A part of me will always be with you" Because love is a strange and funny thing
No matter how hard I try and try I just can't say good bye"

Ok basically what it comes down to is that I still miss him, I still care for him, and I just can't let him go. I know I should, we aren't good for each other. But, we both hate each other talking to other people. Or so he says, I know I'm a jealous girl. And, I can be that crazy ex girlfriend Miranda Lambert type, but I mean well? Anyway, I think that's just the Oklahoma in me. 

So this is where yall come in. What do I do? I know I have to have all my trust into God's timing...And I also need to learn to be patient. I can't keep up with these boys anymore. There is just too many of them and it is stressing me out. Yes, I just said having too many boys around is stressing me out. I either want one or none. 

I like Derek. But, I think it is more of just a little school girl type crush. Patrick I just don't want to take out of the friend zone, no matter how many signs point to him. I just don't like him like that. I am not physically attracted to him. And Kody, well we have history, so of course he will always be in the back of my mind. But then again so are most of my ex's after we break up and start talking again. I DON'T KNOW! 

So, lets move onto my heath issues. It's been so long since I have updated I don't know if I posted about finding a lump behind my ear or not? So lets recap. Last month I found a lump behind my ear; a swollen lymph node. Major scare with my family's health record. Blah blah blah....I ended up having West Nile. 

Yes welcome to my life yall. I just need to live in a bubble. 

So, time goes on lump goes away....blood pressure goes up and so does my headaches. I am now having to go to a neurologist and an internist to make sure nothing is completely messed up with my body. Fan freaking tastic. 

So, you know prayers are always accepted by me. 

But don't get me wrong. I am not trying to be all depressed, no matter how pitiful my life sounds right about now. wah wah wah I am 23 I still live at home I am out of college and I am a sales associate at a boutique. 

You know what? I love my life. I love the fact after screwing up in college that my parents allowed me to still live at home. They could have told me that I had to do this all on my own and that I had to pay for everything. I am beyond BLESSED to have amazing forgiving parents that I have. They provide me a roof over my head, food on the table, and they pay for my bills. Other than that, I pay for everything else. I have a job, it may not be your typical "big girl" job, but I absolutely love where I am, and I do plan on going back to school. I want to be come an MRI tech, or a sonographer. EIther way I am going back for Radiology. I have my life turned around. Thats more than some people can say. 

God has a plan for me. I have NO clue what in the world it is, and I have no clue why it is taking me forever to figure it out, but I have faith in His timing. 

In Search of "Happy"

Ok, so as I sit here looking at pinterest procrastinating cleaning my room there was a quote that said "we may not have been meant to be but i loved every second that i spent with you" and I almost sent that to Kody. I couldn't do it. And then there it was, another shirt of his.....

I want to see him, I want an explanation, I want TO NOT THINK ABOUT HIM ANYMORE!

Its been a month. Over a month since I've seen him. Why do I miss him now? Is it because I'm getting attention from other guys and not him? Or is it because he just basically dropped me like a hot potato....

Ok enough.

Done.

"But save yourself the trouble boy don't go wasting your time like you wasted mine I don't need your reasons why don't you worry your pretty little head about me, I'll be just fine." -Bomshel 

Ok, lets be real, I want to know why. But, maybe not right now. I'm not ready. I want to not to try to kill him.

Anyway.

Lets do an update since I haven't posted in like a year.

The single life isn't too bad. I get to hang out with who I want when I want, talk to who I want when I want. I go out with the girls, I go out with the guys, and helllloooo flirt! But, I met someone the other night. We were supposed to go on a date last night, but it had to get cancelled and moved to another night. He even called it a date yesterday.

*cue high pitch squeal*

I'm trying not to think or rush things or any of that. I'm just trying to let things go as they should. But, there's still Patrick in the back of my mind. I don't even like him like that so why is he there?! ALKSJDFAJADLSKFJALKJDSFL

Maybe this is a time for me to just be me. Find what truly makes me happy. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy, I just don't think I'm as happy as I can be. Now.....I have to go find what that "happy" is.

God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

I will never understand why bad things happen to good people. I know God only puts obstacles in our lives because He knows we can over come it. If he brings us to it, he can bring us through it. But, why have I not gotten over this? 

I have really good days and then I have really bad days. 

I still can't help to wonder, what is so wrong with me that I can't keep someone longer than 3 months now a days. 

I know I have to be happy with myself before I can be happy with someone else. but, it's so hard to be happy when the past strays behind you. I also know that you can not compare someone to your past but once again it's so hard when crappy things have happened and you don't have your full trust in guys anymore. 

Guys, I know that not all of yall are the same, but I have dated basically the same guy 4 times. And, they've all ended the same way. Bad, and in heartbreak. 

I am always told to "look in your friendzone" for your "perfect" guy. Thats just the thing. I rarely stay friends with guys, because I always either talk or start dating the guys I meet. Except one. 

Yup, you've guessed it. Patrick. 

Lets be honest though. I really don't like him like that anymore. I used to yes, but not anymore. 

I know it is not my "time" but, it's so much fun having a guy there. I love my girls, but having a guy to talk to is fun, and you don't seem so lonely. 

Anyway, basically all this just comes down to is I have got to be happy with myself before I can be happy with someone else. And, I can't look for happiness in someone else like I have in almost every single relationship I have been in. 

So now that I read this over, it's kinda sad and boring. Oh well.......It's been on my mind lately. And I will post something happier later after work. 

Not So Sassy Morning.

Lets be honest. I have been pretty dang tough the past few weeks. But, now I feel worse than when it happened. I don't know if its the fact that I finally got the nerve to throw his stuff away and it's not in the corner of my room or why I feel so empty and my anxiety is so high. I know it was a big move for me, specially since I just found some stuff the other day from high school boyfriends that I never threw away. Or maybe it's the fact that it just hit me that it truly is over. It's done. I may never see him again.

I really thought that getting rid of his stuff would be closure for me. It would make me feel better. Make me happy even.

Boy was I wrong. 

I still can't help to think, what was so wrong with me that you left me for her. Someone 7 states away. Someone who you have never met, when I'm just 2 hours away and could hold you. When a week before you told me "Do you honestly think I would dump you for her? Someone who is that far away?"

Yes sweetie, yes I really do. Guess what. You did it.

Apparently I just wanted you more.

Speaking of wanting you more. I'll be honest. I cried myself to sleep listening to that song last night. And for everyone who hasn't heard it. Here it is.

I know I need to be strong. Because I don't need someone who would do that to me. I really am trying. Thats why I threw out his stuff. But, damn, it hurts.

By the way I'm talking about this you would think that it was a year or longer we were together. But, when you hear about someone wanting to buy you a ring and marry you and all of that BS that every other guy says, it makes you want them even more.

And, maybe I'm just being a little girl about this. Maybe I need to learn not to wear my heart on my sleeve anymore.

Anyway. I need to get ready for work. I'll post later about a happier stand point of things.

But, I know y'all are wanting updates.

#TeamTyler- I got a "good night beautiful" from him the other night......and then I didn't hear from him the next day until like 9 at night. I know he is busy with being a teacher, a jr high, 9th grade, and high school football coach, but it just sucks.

#TeamPatrick- Told me last night that he was going to give another girl a chance. But, he still wanted to talk to me. Sorry hun, I'm not going to do that to the other girl. It isn't fair to her. Look at what just happened to me.

Oh good lord. Help me.

I Refuse To Sink.

Ok so a lot of yall have given some input of what i should blog about tonight. From boys, to high school crushes. But, I have decided on one day of the week I would do a "Dear Keeley" since yall already know my name. I will go into that later.

So tonight I have thought about multiple things I could post about and this one has been weighing heavy on me lately. It might seem stupid to some but this has been on my mind and I thought I would share and give y'all some more about my life.

 So, I've given it some thought....and I really want a new tattoo. I always said that my next tattoo would have significant meaning though since my first one was just random and on a whim. 

Hebrews 6:17 says "We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure." 

This means a lot to me. Hope. 

Now, I am 22 years old, and I have been through multiple hard times. More than a normal 22 year old should go through.

Starting with birth. I almost didn't make it, and neither did my mom. 

Ok, don't get me wrong from then on until about 8th grade, life was pretty much just handed to me on a silver platter, I had all the best friends, I got everything I wanted, I went on all the best vacations, you name it, I did it or had it. 

Then, 8th grade. I was your typical 8th grader going through your typical awkward phases of life. Except I had to grow up much quicker than most. My momma was diagnosed at the young age of 37 with breast cancer. I had to help with the house work, cooking, cleaning etc. While my dad took care of my mom. Just a few short months later my grandma, my moms mom, passed away from breast cancer. So, not only was I watching my mom go through cancer....I was watching her go through the death of her own mother from the same disease she had. 

I am now proud to say that my mom has been cancer free for almost 8 years now. 

Except I have that lingering thought that I have a high chance go getting it. But there is always hope. 

Lets fast forward to 2008. July to be specific. I had been battling depression and anxiety for almost 5 years by then. So, I was getting ready to go on a vacation with my family and my boyfriend and his family for a last of summer hooray before we moved to college. Which I might add.....I did not get into OSU, frankly I didn't care in high school about grades. So I was stuck going to NOC which was still apart of OSU in Stillwater, but anyway, I was going out with the girls the night of July 18 before the vacation. We get a phone call from my cousin who lives up in Tulsa....well my dad, his sister DJ, and her husband Bruce were also up in Tulsa for a family reunion meeting. My mom nudges me and tells me to turn on the t.v. I turn it on and see on the news an ariel view of a house and a pool. I keep thinking to myself that I recognize this house but I just can't wrap it around my head where it is. Then it hits me....this was my aunt DJ's house. Scrolling across the bottom of the screen "11 year old girl drowns in above ground pool" And my heart sinks to the pit of my stomach. 

Stormie. 

My little cousins Stormie and Jourdan lived with their grandma, my aunt with their mom. 

I'm getting too emotional right now thinking about this, but I think y'all get the outcome.....We lost our little bundle of joy that day. 

Needless to say, my depression and anxiety really didn't go away after that. But, there was still hope. Our family has never been so close as we are now. It was a terrible thing to go through and for it to be in the public eye on the news and all in the papers for weeks wasn't any better. But, good came from it. 

Now, lets fast forward into college. Lets throw some crappy relationships into all of this. I went through a couple of abusive relationships. That is probably one of the last things I would want to ever admit to anyone, but it happens. More often than not too. It wasn't necessarily physical. I mean there were some physical altercations that happened, but I had quite a bit of mental and emotional abuse done. 

I got diagnosed with PMDD....for y'all who don't know what that is, it is where you have the most severe form of PMS not only during your PMS week, but just basically every day. 

Also, turning 21 and being single in Stillwater, really isn't the best of times. Social life was all that mattered to me. Frat parties, date parties, the strip, you name it, I was there Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights. Class.....yeah I went, but I was always too hungover to pay attention. So.....yes I blame myself for screwing up my last year of OSU (after I got in). I didn't fail out, but I did fail two classes. Dad pulled me out of OSU and told me it was time to move back home. 

Crap happens. But, the bad stuff always makes us stronger. 

I got back into school after I came back home and I am now proud to say that I have my associates. It may not be much, but really....it's a lot better than what I would have if I didn't do anything at all. 

An anchor. I have decided will be my next tattoo. It sums everything up into just one simply dainty tattoo. 

I am not trying to throw a pity party. I am simply just telling some life stories with you. Basically to let y'all know that you're not the only one going through things. I've been through them all, from death of family and friends, to heart break of boys. But there is always hope. 

I refuse to sink. 

I also refuse to watch any of yall sink. I am here to talk. I am here to listen. Anything. 

I don't care how many trials I may face. From boys cheating on me, to deaths, to just your normal obstacles in the road. I won't go down. I will always hold onto having hope. 

Future Reality TV Star

Ok a few of y'all have asked why I think my life could be a reality TV show.

So first of all....I'm going to admit. I have done casting calls for The Real World and also I did two casting calls for Sweet Home Alabama.

Anyway.

My city girl life style can get kind of dramatic. Lets face it, drama puts excitement into my life. I don't start drama just for the hell of it though. It just kind of follows me wherever I go. My life is always full of new stories, dramatic and awkward situations.

This is the best one. 

I started my Junior year of OSU living in an apartment with 3 other girls. If that doesn't say much then I don't know what will. We all started out really good and close friends. I actually had lived with one of the girls the year before too. Anyway. I had a boyfriend at the time and we were going on our three year. We had been fighting and crap and I was always on the phone yelling at him. My roommates told me that I needed to figure something out because they didn't want to hear all the yelling anymore. So about a week later he ended things with me. Sure I was upset, but I had my "friends" They were so friendly that they shoved shots of vodka in my face the day he broke up with me when I was supposed to play in my first flag football game. So what do I do? I do the classy thing! I show up to the game drunk. And what do you know, there is a guy who catches my eye. He also happened to be on the same team as me annnnd he was also in my management class. So I'm all flirty and what not with him. Well I knew he was best friends with one of my roommates, but I had no clue she was in love with him. Did I mention that she had a boyfriend of like two years? Yeah.....anywho. Casey and I started dating. Which meant roommates and I started drifting. Of course me being a naive little girl I chose him over everyone. I'll spare details about pity fights roommates and I had.

Lets fast forward to when Casey and I broke up.........like the fourth time. I knew the girls had been smoking pot in the house, obviously because they would blow the smoke into my air vent. Bitches. Anyway. I was finally fed up with it and I called the cops on them. On my own roommates.

I'm sitting here laughing thinking about this. Oh I also forgot the mention, these girls were 19 at the time. I was 21. Anyway. One girl got a felony and got her harvard scholarship taken away. whoops. So I'm sitting in my kitchen looking like a boy.....I'm in sweats, a t shirt and a camo hat. Yes I remember what I was wearing. I was also fixing lunch. One of the girls walks in wearing her little mini skirt with her hair curled and high heels. She starts yelling at me and of course me being a stubborn girl with an attitude I just start laughing at her. So she gets up in my face threatening to beat me up. So once again me having to push someone buttons, I look her up and down and laugh and ask if she was going to hit me with her high heel. Yeah she didn't like that, but she didn't hit me either.

Daddy always taught me, never be the first one to throw a punch, but always be the last. 

I honestly wish that our little yelling back and forth fight was on video. It was worse than something you see on Jersey Shore. hahahahaha.

But, that is just one story of my wanna be reality tv show life.

tune in for more.