In Search of "Happy"

Ok, so as I sit here looking at pinterest procrastinating cleaning my room there was a quote that said "we may not have been meant to be but i loved every second that i spent with you" and I almost sent that to Kody. I couldn't do it. And then there it was, another shirt of his.....

I want to see him, I want an explanation, I want TO NOT THINK ABOUT HIM ANYMORE!

Its been a month. Over a month since I've seen him. Why do I miss him now? Is it because I'm getting attention from other guys and not him? Or is it because he just basically dropped me like a hot potato....

Ok enough.

Done.

"But save yourself the trouble boy don't go wasting your time like you wasted mine I don't need your reasons why don't you worry your pretty little head about me, I'll be just fine." -Bomshel 

Ok, lets be real, I want to know why. But, maybe not right now. I'm not ready. I want to not to try to kill him.

Anyway.

Lets do an update since I haven't posted in like a year.

The single life isn't too bad. I get to hang out with who I want when I want, talk to who I want when I want. I go out with the girls, I go out with the guys, and helllloooo flirt! But, I met someone the other night. We were supposed to go on a date last night, but it had to get cancelled and moved to another night. He even called it a date yesterday.

*cue high pitch squeal*

I'm trying not to think or rush things or any of that. I'm just trying to let things go as they should. But, there's still Patrick in the back of my mind. I don't even like him like that so why is he there?! ALKSJDFAJADLSKFJALKJDSFL

Maybe this is a time for me to just be me. Find what truly makes me happy. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy, I just don't think I'm as happy as I can be. Now.....I have to go find what that "happy" is.

God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

I will never understand why bad things happen to good people. I know God only puts obstacles in our lives because He knows we can over come it. If he brings us to it, he can bring us through it. But, why have I not gotten over this? 

I have really good days and then I have really bad days. 

I still can't help to wonder, what is so wrong with me that I can't keep someone longer than 3 months now a days. 

I know I have to be happy with myself before I can be happy with someone else. but, it's so hard to be happy when the past strays behind you. I also know that you can not compare someone to your past but once again it's so hard when crappy things have happened and you don't have your full trust in guys anymore. 

Guys, I know that not all of yall are the same, but I have dated basically the same guy 4 times. And, they've all ended the same way. Bad, and in heartbreak. 

I am always told to "look in your friendzone" for your "perfect" guy. Thats just the thing. I rarely stay friends with guys, because I always either talk or start dating the guys I meet. Except one. 

Yup, you've guessed it. Patrick. 

Lets be honest though. I really don't like him like that anymore. I used to yes, but not anymore. 

I know it is not my "time" but, it's so much fun having a guy there. I love my girls, but having a guy to talk to is fun, and you don't seem so lonely. 

Anyway, basically all this just comes down to is I have got to be happy with myself before I can be happy with someone else. And, I can't look for happiness in someone else like I have in almost every single relationship I have been in. 

So now that I read this over, it's kinda sad and boring. Oh well.......It's been on my mind lately. And I will post something happier later after work. 

Not So Sassy Morning.

Lets be honest. I have been pretty dang tough the past few weeks. But, now I feel worse than when it happened. I don't know if its the fact that I finally got the nerve to throw his stuff away and it's not in the corner of my room or why I feel so empty and my anxiety is so high. I know it was a big move for me, specially since I just found some stuff the other day from high school boyfriends that I never threw away. Or maybe it's the fact that it just hit me that it truly is over. It's done. I may never see him again.

I really thought that getting rid of his stuff would be closure for me. It would make me feel better. Make me happy even.

Boy was I wrong. 

I still can't help to think, what was so wrong with me that you left me for her. Someone 7 states away. Someone who you have never met, when I'm just 2 hours away and could hold you. When a week before you told me "Do you honestly think I would dump you for her? Someone who is that far away?"

Yes sweetie, yes I really do. Guess what. You did it.

Apparently I just wanted you more.

Speaking of wanting you more. I'll be honest. I cried myself to sleep listening to that song last night. And for everyone who hasn't heard it. Here it is.

I know I need to be strong. Because I don't need someone who would do that to me. I really am trying. Thats why I threw out his stuff. But, damn, it hurts.

By the way I'm talking about this you would think that it was a year or longer we were together. But, when you hear about someone wanting to buy you a ring and marry you and all of that BS that every other guy says, it makes you want them even more.

And, maybe I'm just being a little girl about this. Maybe I need to learn not to wear my heart on my sleeve anymore.

Anyway. I need to get ready for work. I'll post later about a happier stand point of things.

But, I know y'all are wanting updates.

#TeamTyler- I got a "good night beautiful" from him the other night......and then I didn't hear from him the next day until like 9 at night. I know he is busy with being a teacher, a jr high, 9th grade, and high school football coach, but it just sucks.

#TeamPatrick- Told me last night that he was going to give another girl a chance. But, he still wanted to talk to me. Sorry hun, I'm not going to do that to the other girl. It isn't fair to her. Look at what just happened to me.

Oh good lord. Help me.

I Refuse To Sink.

Ok so a lot of yall have given some input of what i should blog about tonight. From boys, to high school crushes. But, I have decided on one day of the week I would do a "Dear Keeley" since yall already know my name. I will go into that later.

So tonight I have thought about multiple things I could post about and this one has been weighing heavy on me lately. It might seem stupid to some but this has been on my mind and I thought I would share and give y'all some more about my life.

 So, I've given it some thought....and I really want a new tattoo. I always said that my next tattoo would have significant meaning though since my first one was just random and on a whim. 

Hebrews 6:17 says "We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure." 

This means a lot to me. Hope. 

Now, I am 22 years old, and I have been through multiple hard times. More than a normal 22 year old should go through.

Starting with birth. I almost didn't make it, and neither did my mom. 

Ok, don't get me wrong from then on until about 8th grade, life was pretty much just handed to me on a silver platter, I had all the best friends, I got everything I wanted, I went on all the best vacations, you name it, I did it or had it. 

Then, 8th grade. I was your typical 8th grader going through your typical awkward phases of life. Except I had to grow up much quicker than most. My momma was diagnosed at the young age of 37 with breast cancer. I had to help with the house work, cooking, cleaning etc. While my dad took care of my mom. Just a few short months later my grandma, my moms mom, passed away from breast cancer. So, not only was I watching my mom go through cancer....I was watching her go through the death of her own mother from the same disease she had. 

I am now proud to say that my mom has been cancer free for almost 8 years now. 

Except I have that lingering thought that I have a high chance go getting it. But there is always hope. 

Lets fast forward to 2008. July to be specific. I had been battling depression and anxiety for almost 5 years by then. So, I was getting ready to go on a vacation with my family and my boyfriend and his family for a last of summer hooray before we moved to college. Which I might add.....I did not get into OSU, frankly I didn't care in high school about grades. So I was stuck going to NOC which was still apart of OSU in Stillwater, but anyway, I was going out with the girls the night of July 18 before the vacation. We get a phone call from my cousin who lives up in Tulsa....well my dad, his sister DJ, and her husband Bruce were also up in Tulsa for a family reunion meeting. My mom nudges me and tells me to turn on the t.v. I turn it on and see on the news an ariel view of a house and a pool. I keep thinking to myself that I recognize this house but I just can't wrap it around my head where it is. Then it hits me....this was my aunt DJ's house. Scrolling across the bottom of the screen "11 year old girl drowns in above ground pool" And my heart sinks to the pit of my stomach. 

Stormie. 

My little cousins Stormie and Jourdan lived with their grandma, my aunt with their mom. 

I'm getting too emotional right now thinking about this, but I think y'all get the outcome.....We lost our little bundle of joy that day. 

Needless to say, my depression and anxiety really didn't go away after that. But, there was still hope. Our family has never been so close as we are now. It was a terrible thing to go through and for it to be in the public eye on the news and all in the papers for weeks wasn't any better. But, good came from it. 

Now, lets fast forward into college. Lets throw some crappy relationships into all of this. I went through a couple of abusive relationships. That is probably one of the last things I would want to ever admit to anyone, but it happens. More often than not too. It wasn't necessarily physical. I mean there were some physical altercations that happened, but I had quite a bit of mental and emotional abuse done. 

I got diagnosed with PMDD....for y'all who don't know what that is, it is where you have the most severe form of PMS not only during your PMS week, but just basically every day. 

Also, turning 21 and being single in Stillwater, really isn't the best of times. Social life was all that mattered to me. Frat parties, date parties, the strip, you name it, I was there Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights. Class.....yeah I went, but I was always too hungover to pay attention. So.....yes I blame myself for screwing up my last year of OSU (after I got in). I didn't fail out, but I did fail two classes. Dad pulled me out of OSU and told me it was time to move back home. 

Crap happens. But, the bad stuff always makes us stronger. 

I got back into school after I came back home and I am now proud to say that I have my associates. It may not be much, but really....it's a lot better than what I would have if I didn't do anything at all. 

An anchor. I have decided will be my next tattoo. It sums everything up into just one simply dainty tattoo. 

I am not trying to throw a pity party. I am simply just telling some life stories with you. Basically to let y'all know that you're not the only one going through things. I've been through them all, from death of family and friends, to heart break of boys. But there is always hope. 

I refuse to sink. 

I also refuse to watch any of yall sink. I am here to talk. I am here to listen. Anything. 

I don't care how many trials I may face. From boys cheating on me, to deaths, to just your normal obstacles in the road. I won't go down. I will always hold onto having hope. 

Future Reality TV Star

Ok a few of y'all have asked why I think my life could be a reality TV show.

So first of all....I'm going to admit. I have done casting calls for The Real World and also I did two casting calls for Sweet Home Alabama.

Anyway.

My city girl life style can get kind of dramatic. Lets face it, drama puts excitement into my life. I don't start drama just for the hell of it though. It just kind of follows me wherever I go. My life is always full of new stories, dramatic and awkward situations.

This is the best one. 

I started my Junior year of OSU living in an apartment with 3 other girls. If that doesn't say much then I don't know what will. We all started out really good and close friends. I actually had lived with one of the girls the year before too. Anyway. I had a boyfriend at the time and we were going on our three year. We had been fighting and crap and I was always on the phone yelling at him. My roommates told me that I needed to figure something out because they didn't want to hear all the yelling anymore. So about a week later he ended things with me. Sure I was upset, but I had my "friends" They were so friendly that they shoved shots of vodka in my face the day he broke up with me when I was supposed to play in my first flag football game. So what do I do? I do the classy thing! I show up to the game drunk. And what do you know, there is a guy who catches my eye. He also happened to be on the same team as me annnnd he was also in my management class. So I'm all flirty and what not with him. Well I knew he was best friends with one of my roommates, but I had no clue she was in love with him. Did I mention that she had a boyfriend of like two years? Yeah.....anywho. Casey and I started dating. Which meant roommates and I started drifting. Of course me being a naive little girl I chose him over everyone. I'll spare details about pity fights roommates and I had.

Lets fast forward to when Casey and I broke up.........like the fourth time. I knew the girls had been smoking pot in the house, obviously because they would blow the smoke into my air vent. Bitches. Anyway. I was finally fed up with it and I called the cops on them. On my own roommates.

I'm sitting here laughing thinking about this. Oh I also forgot the mention, these girls were 19 at the time. I was 21. Anyway. One girl got a felony and got her harvard scholarship taken away. whoops. So I'm sitting in my kitchen looking like a boy.....I'm in sweats, a t shirt and a camo hat. Yes I remember what I was wearing. I was also fixing lunch. One of the girls walks in wearing her little mini skirt with her hair curled and high heels. She starts yelling at me and of course me being a stubborn girl with an attitude I just start laughing at her. So she gets up in my face threatening to beat me up. So once again me having to push someone buttons, I look her up and down and laugh and ask if she was going to hit me with her high heel. Yeah she didn't like that, but she didn't hit me either.

Daddy always taught me, never be the first one to throw a punch, but always be the last. 

I honestly wish that our little yelling back and forth fight was on video. It was worse than something you see on Jersey Shore. hahahahaha.

But, that is just one story of my wanna be reality tv show life.

tune in for more.

Womp Life.

Ok so this is like the fifth post I have tried to think of tonight. I just don't know really what to talk about. I'm in one of those really confused, kinda numb moods. I'm not upset or heartbroken anymore. Key word....Anymore.

I haven't talked to Kody in exactly a week. I just want my freaking stuff back and I want his stuff out of my house. It's putting off a bad ora. HA!

I mean do I not deserve some type of closure?! I'm starting to think the only closure I will be getting anytime soon is throwing all his shit into a bonfire.

I know for a fact that I am very deserving of an explanation from him. I got broken up over a stinking text message. Ok ok I know I shouldn't keep going on and on about that. But, I might be a little bitter. Why her? Someone who he doesn't even know. What is so wrong with me that I drove him into someone elses "twitter arms" Ok I know there isn't really anything wrong with me....I was myself the entire time.

ENOUGH! No more. I'm done. I've moved on.

updates:

#TeamTyler- I hung out with him Friday night. I told him that I didn't want to rush into anything and now I think he feels awkward. Story of my life.

#TeamPatrick- He moved to Texas. Womp. I also told him that he sucks at talking to me and I wasn't going to talk to him if he wasn't going to talk to me. Guess what. I haven't heard from him in two days. another......Story of my life.

Guess it's safe to say.......Watch Out Oklahoma.....This girl is SINGLE!

AWKWARD.

Hey y'all! I'm not sure how many of y'all are actually reading this because you love me, or if you hate me, either way I'm here to share with you the day in a life of me; my crazy, amazing, beautiful, dramatic, insane life. 

Most of y'all have been devoted followers from the very beginning and I want to take the time to thank y'all! Also, most of y'all who have been following my twitter for a while, basically know my life.

For the rest who are just now tuning in, lets get a few things clear:

• I speak my mind, I don't hold back.
• I say Y'all ALOT
• I'm a die hard OSU fan, so if you don't want to hear about Stillwater or OSU, don't read. 
• I'm a name dropper. ex: I grew up with Sam Bradford, and went to the same high school as James Marsden. 
• I'm a city girl. I've never lived in a small town/ the country. 
• I am 22 going on 23 years old. 
• I am also that sensitive girl who can act really tough. 
• I am a dramatic girl. I am a big city girl so I have that type of attitude.

Ok now that most of the obvious is out in the open lets just pick up with where my life has left off.....lets start from two weeks ago.

For the most part most of y'all know that I have recently gone through a break up. First I was crushed. Being broken up over a text message while I was at work from 10-6 really wasn't how I have ever planned on being broken up. I was officially "That Girl" who was crying in front of customers, with them looking at me like "what the hell is wrong with this girl?!" I was completely smitten with Kody, even if we did fight a lot, I thought he was the "one". At least I thought I was in love with him, maybe I don't even know what love is. Maybe all I look for is lust. Anyway, I thought we were going to work things out and hang out that weekend. Turns out I was wrong, I don't know how long this has been going on, I'm assuming, which I have always said assuming makes an ass out of you and me, but I'm still assuming for about a month he had been talking to another girl. So that just straight up pissed me off that I was being lied to, and "cheated". When I say pissed off, I'm talking Taylor Swift, Miranda Lambert, and Carrie Underwood combined. 

Tips for guys: Never underestimate and pissed off Oklahoma girl. We are just like the rest of the southern girls, but with a little bit more fire in us. 

I will be the first to admit, me putting both of them on blast on twitter was a really immature thing of me to do. But, what do you expect when you get broken up over a text message. So I decided to stoop down and call them out. If either one of you are reading this, which I really don't expect you too, but if you are, I sincerely apologize. But lets be honest, you both made yourself look life fools on twitter. 

Ok back on course. I am officially over it. It's not worth crying over anymore. But, I don't think I would be this strong if it wasn't for my family, friends, and the power of prayer. Also, all my loyal followers helped me through it too.

So, lets fast forward a few days of me talking to another ex. This could be a totally bad move on my part, but I just texted him because he is a coach at Guthrie and a new girl at work brought up a resume and I just thought I would get his opinion on her. So we have been texting and hanging out since then. I know what y'all are thinking, I'm thinking the same thing too.....R-E R-E-B R-E-B-O-U-N-D REBOUND.....I swear that isn't it though....I don't think.

Crap I'm confused.

Anyway, we have been hanging out *just as friends* that was until he called me babe the other night after his jr. high football game. Then all of those feelings started trickling back in again. 

Thats not all folks.....theres another guy. He is that person that has always been in the back of your mind, that one that just wont leave. 

I met him when I was a freshmen at OSU. I was a little 19 year old and he was 22. But, I had a really serious boy friend at the time. Or so I thought. Stupid Frat boys. Anywho....lets just cut the chase of why he is always in the back of my mind. 

• His name is Patrick, my first serious boyfriend, Cody dads name is Patrick
• Patricks middle name is Casey, the next guy I dated after Cody was Casey
• After dating Casey, I dated Tyler who was the Guthrie football/wrestling coach and a teacher, Patrick started student teaching at Guthrie.
• While I was fighting with Cody while we were still dating, I was driving in my car and I just stopped and said "God, ok seriously, who am I supposed to be with, just give me a sign!" The sign that was next to me said Patrick something for senator. 
• A couple of Cinco De Mayo's ago while I was single I was on my way back home from out to dinner and drinks with the girls, Patrick called and told me to come see him. I did and I ended up kissing him, on Husband St. 
• I started talking to a guy from Drummond, Once again....Patrick is from Drummond. 

If those aren't reasons to always stick in the back of your mind, then I don't know what is. The only thing is, my best friend, hates him. 

I feel like my life is Jenna from AWKWARD. #TeamTyler #TeamPatrick 

Shit. 

My love life.....oh who am I kidding, my WHOLE life needs to be filmed and I could have my own hit reality tv show. 

HA welcome to my life y'all!